I Started Feeling

Why am I feeling?

I have made it this far
Not feeling much of anything

I learned how to cope I guess
I have been pretty cool

Now, I wanted to feel
I opened the door a little
The door to my heart

I did not even realize I had it closed
After four years with a beautiful girl
Who loved me unconditionally
I learned that I was not loving her back

She deserved love.she was special
I just could not go there
And I did not even know I was not loving her

I did not realize that people need things
I did not give her anything
I did not let her feel wanted

Four years later, I am single

I am starting a journey
It is starting to scare me
I am opening the door to my heart

The door is very heavy
It will not just fly open

But I am opening it
As I do, I can feel a strong wind
There is a lot of pressure back there

I can not hold the door back any more
The door is open, the wind strong
It is pushing me

Pushing me BACK
I have cried for over a month now
Every day, and night I have cried

I had not cried seriously for years
It keeps hitting me in waves

I think about the here and now
I think about the things I normally do to survive
I must get a job again
I must clean up
I must get out and start looking for work

I just can't
I just want to meet and help others who have been in foster care
I do not want to move
But I do want to stay.

Again, I have been here for two years.
That damn feeling is here again
The feeling I must go again
I just can not stay here and go on being mundane
I must start a facility to help people like me
I must have a purpose for being here

I opened the door to my heart
The wind behind it is very strong

I passed by the Catholic Children's Aid Society
I was just passing
I snapped!

I started running at the building
I kicked the window
I ran back to the street
I ran back to the building
I kicked the window

I ran out to the street again
I kicked the window again
I was yelling and screaming
I was losing it
I was FEELING

Why was it a BAD thing to hide my feelings?
Why is it that if I feel, then I act crazy?

Should I stop feeling and go back to coping?
I would like to
But I can't

I just keep feeling
The wind behind the open door is too strong
It keeps pushing in
I try to just close it again as I always have

I can't
I can't close the door
It won't stop

One month now I have cried
I get crazy crying
I want to spin around
I want to hit things
I want to close the door

It won't ever close now
I shouldn't have opened it

Please help me
Please..I am so lost
I am so scared

I am so alone

I am alone amongst thousands
We are all out there
Yet we feel we should be ok

We feel we should not have to ask for help
We feel we are adults
We are told we are adults, so why should we need help

John Dunn
This was written back in March 2001 when he started feeling emotions